Three Months

It will be three months tomorrow since Maddy passed away, but it feels like an eternity.  I wish I could say that it was getting easier, but I would not be telling the truth.  While we are able to make it through each day, I still fall asleep every night thinking of Maddy and wondering how this happened and it is the first thought in my head when I wake up each morning.  Today, I went through our office trying to sort through some piles that had been building.  Our office had been Maddy's classroom for the last three years- it broke my heart to go through her basket of school stuff.  I had to just leave her desk for another day.  I don't know if I will ever be ready to go through her bedroom.

On a brighter note, we have been told that there are now 6 potential bone marrow matches from the Bone Marrow Drive.  This gives us a little comfort knowing that others may be saved.

Finally, the ABC 4 Maddy Relay for Life team is selling memorial t-shirts until April 15th.   If interested, you can turn in your orders to Archbold Elementary School or let us know and we will get the order placed for you.

Number 2

Yesterday, we found out that Beverly Anne, a cousin, who "Got Swabbed" at the Bone Marrow Drive done in honor of Maddy was contacted as a potential bone marrow match for a patient with leukemia.  This makes number 2 that we know of so far!

Faith

We miss Maddy so much.  Our house just seems to be so quiet without her.

It takes a lot of energy to get through each day, but somehow God provides us with what we need to make it through.

Today, we found out that someone from Archbold who "Got Swabbed" at the Bone Marrow Drive done in honor of Maddy was contacted as a potential bone marrow match.  It is things like this that renew our Faith and give us some comfort knowing that something good has come out of all this.



P.S.

On March 18, 2013, Terry Henricks is hosting a St. Baldrick's event again.  The money raised through the St. Baldrick's Foundation goes directly the childhood cancer research.  You can check it out at:

http://www.stbaldricks.org/events/mypage/4276/2013

A Special Person

We have a lot of special people in our lives who have continued to support us in our time of need these past few weeks, but one person who has been amazing and has shown us HOPE, FAITH, and COURAGE through these tough days has been Julia-  Maddy's big sis and best friend.   It seems odd, but Julia has consoled us more than we have had to console her.  She is BRAVE and STRONG!  We are so blessed to have her in our lives!

Just last week, Mrs. Hurst gave us a few more of Maddy's school papers.  In them was a paragraph that Maddy wrote back in August.  It seems so appropriate to share:

A Special Person

by:  Maddy Lambert

     My older sister Julia is very special.  I can tell her anything.  She also plays with me.  It is so much fun. I like it when she helps me with things.  Julia does a lot of things for me.  My older sister Julia is AWESOME!

Dinner

For the past month we have been trying to keep busy- running to ball games and other events and just grabbing supper on the run or at a restaurant. Tonight was the first time in a long time that we actually cooked dinner and sat down at the table to eat- something we always looked forward to doing before but sometimes took for granted.  Tonight though, sitting at our table for four with one chair empty, was a sad reminder again of how a part of "us" is gone.

Note to self-  Take time to sit down as a family for a meal and NEVER take it for granted!

One Day At a Time

The author of a book on grieving I am reading said-  When you lose a parent, you lose your past.  When you lose a child, you lose your future.  Right now, that is what is so hard to think about- the future.  I find myself thinking I can make it through a day and then I start to think about the future.  Don't get me wrong- I still have moments when I feel guilty and angry about things I should have done differently in the past, but it is when I let myself think about tomorrow, or Maddy's birthday, or the holidays, or ....  that I get overcome with sadness.  The "experts" say to take it one day at a time.  I guess that is good, because I can't manage more than that.

I found this poem and it seems so appropriate and so like something Maddy would call me out on!

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,

She never did before.

But from now until she dies,

She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is

And because she can't explain,

She will tell a little lie

Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,

She'll say "I'm alright."

If that's the truth, then tell me,

why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,

She seems to cope so well.

She didn't have a choice you see,

Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,

"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."

For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,

Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life,

I loved her all of mine.

But if you ask her how she is,

She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am Here in Heaven.

I cannot hug from here.

If she lies to you don't listen,

Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,

We'll smile and I'll be bold.

I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom,

With all the lies you told!"

-Unknown

Our New Journey

This blog started out as a way to easily update family and friends on Maddy's progress through her treatments, but over  time, it became much more- it became our way to share Maddy's life journey.  Now, we have embarked on a new journey.  One that is more difficult to share at this time, but one that will hopefully result in us keeping our promise to Maddy to continue what she started...

As Maddy's journey here on earth ended, our family's new journey without Maddy began.  The beginning of this journey is proving to be more difficult than I could have ever imagined.   "They" say there are different stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance...  You would think that one could move through these stages sequentially and then the grief would be over.  I wish this were the case.

There are days that I have experienced all the stages within the span of a few hours.  While each  day brings new and different challenges, I have found there is one constant-  the pain in my chest and stomach as if a part of me has been ripped out.

Our family also doesn't seem whole anymore.  The three of us sit in the living room watching TV in an awkward silence.  We go for a ride in the car in silence.  A part of our family is missing and we still haven't figured out how to function yet.

Everywhere I look at home and at school, I am reminded of Maddy.  One moment, this is comforting and the next it is heartbreaking.  It takes all my energy just to get through a day.

And so I am reminded-

Hope, faith and courage are the things you need to fight.  To stay brave and stay strong, these are what I keep in my heart and mind!